Disclaimer: If you're pregnant at the moment you may not want to read this right now - a;though my birth was really positive, a great memory for us and weirdly enjoyable (never thought I'd say that), I still talk about things being different to what I expected and the pain I experienced.
In the days after giving birth we recounted our birth story countless times together to our friends and relatives. Willow's birth was long and intense, but also the most empowering moment of my life. Matt was incredible and was just the most amazing birth partner I could have ever wished for.
On the day of October 8th I felt a little odd and extremely exhausted. I even told Matt 'I felt different' but we still didn't think too much of it. I spent most the day listening to my body and I stayed in bed, watching Emily in Paris and cat napping. That evening Matt ordered a Pizza Express takeaway and we took it easy and went to bed fairly early, little did we know that this was the last night of just the two of us.
At 12.30am I woke up suddenly to a massive gush of warm fluid leaking out of me and covering our bed. It was such a shock - I really didn't think my waters would break before I went into labour as lots of people had said it's more likely that they would go once I was in established labour. I woke Matt up with a quite dead pan 'Oh shit. my waters have just broken' - he woke with a start and laid down a path of towels to the bathroom so I could dry up, strangely we felt fairly relaxed but in a slight tizz from the sudden wake up call and the prospect of our baby arriving!
Towards the end of my pregnancy I had asked some of my closest friends and family to write me and baby a letter or card so that I could either read them when I was in early labour or on my due date if she had still not made an appearance. Matt retrieved my letters so I could read them as I sat bouncing on my ball, I opened them and read all the lovely words people had written, making me feel pretty emotional - I even felt my contractions come thicker and stronger at this point! I'm so glad I did this and really recommend any expectant Mummas to do so as it will be so nice to look back on and to show Willow when she's older.
When I was starting to struggle more and I didn't want to watch funny or my favourite TV shows anymore, what I needed was zen spa like music to really get into the zone and wash over me. I leant against Matt on the sofa and he would rub my back or shoulders every time a contraction came. I couldn't decide if I wanted the tens machine on or massage instead. I started to feel a bit all over the place and Matt really kept me calm during this time. The tens machine kept coming unstuck but I found it invaluable as a distraction during the time of labouring at home and would recommend 100 times over. I never went pass the 3rd level though (it goes up to 8!) I had to walk around from room to room, leaning against door frames and counters to help keep control. Eventually the app told us we were in established labour and I was struggling more to talk when Matt was trying to engage with me. Matt called triage who advised it sounded like I should come in if we thought things had ramped up - we gave it another hour or so and then decided to make our way there. I was still able to walk at this point but had to take breaks on the way down to the car, the journey in was awful and typically had to be at school pick up time! I was still in pain but things had eased off a little as we got into the hospital and I noticed everyone around us - a midwife went through my notes and some questions with me, they didn't want to do an internal examination just yet due to my waters already breaking and it looking like I wasn't quite as far along as we has first suspected. It was suggested I go back home to get myself back to that zone and progress, which I was happy to do because I wanted to as get as far as possible while I knew I could still be with Matt. I could no longer sit down in the car to make the journey home instead I had to hug the back of my seat and face backwards which must have been entertaining for the other commuters.
When we got home things had already started to intensify again. Matt ran me a bath with candles and stayed by my side, holding my hand as I laid submerged trying to cover my entire bump. My contractions were relentless now and I had no relief even when one had passed. I still had intense pain and every movement I made it came even sharper. Matt decided we would give it 45 minutes and then we'd think seriously about heading back in as he could see a visible change in me. As he helped me out of the bath I projectile vomited (luckily right into the tub) and we decided it was time to get ourselves back to the midwife led unit. The car ride was just about the worse thing and just so happened to be rush hour again (baby picking the worse timings!) so the 10 minute ride took 30-40 minutes. We made the mistake of putting the front seat down so I could go on all fours but this just left me feeling unsteady and without support, I'm seriously surprised I didn't end up being sick all over the interior. When we got to the hospital Matt had to run in to get a wheelchair as I was unable to walk, he ended up nearly tipping me out of it when he didn't realise the curb wasn't as softly dipped as he thought! 100% do not recommend.
This time they could see a change in my whole demeanor and I didn't notice people around or feel distracted by anyone. I was given an internal examination this time which and was told I was only 2cm! I was pretty devastated to hear that considering how long it had already been and the level of pain I was in. She explained that all the hard work had been done though and my lining was paper thin and high and she could feel babies head. I was also giving gas and air at this point, it made me feel a bit giddy and was a great distraction but definitely didn't ease anything. She asked how I felt about going home to progress further, I said I would rather that if I had to be alone, but with how the contractions feeling so constant, I just didn't feel like I could face getting back in the car. She then noticed as well in my notes a few weeks ago I was advised to go to triage due to bump measuring the same as the previous week (I was monitored and they were happy with me without scanning) and asked if I had a recent scan report which I didn't she then measured me again and it was still measuring the same so she had to speak to the Dr.
We where left for a while so we assumed they had decided I should stay and it looked like it was fine that Matt was still there. Matt went and got all our bits from the car so he could start setting the scene in the room, dimming the lights, putting out battery tealights, spritzing relaxing room spray, playing generic yoga music. After a while the midwife came back and said that the Dr wanted me on labour ward once I was 4cm dilated for constant monitoring. This is something I stipulated that I only wanted if 100% necessary and would be best for me and baby, we said we needed to discuss it together and we used our BRAIN (Benefits, risks, alternatives, instinct, nothing) personally it was something neither of us were too worried about as my bump had been consistent and I think the measurement would have stalled due to baby dropping the week before and now that my waters had broken as well we decided that if it was necessary then we wanted a private room with a pool and wireless monitoring so I could stay moving (not that I was able to move much and in the end I didn't care about being in a pool haha!) whilst we were left and midwives changed over I throw up all over myself and the bed so this is when Matt changed me into my rather fetching nightie and it all felt very real.
In many ways things are a bit hazy for me here as I was so much in a zone, time feels a bit like it went fast and slowed right down all at the same time. For a long time I stayed on the bed apart from if I felt I needed to go to the toilet with a lot of assistance from Matt the whole way. Because I was still in the MLU I wasn't allowed to use a pool whilst I was there as they still wanted me on the ward but at this point I didn't even think I would be able to get in or have it help me and I really didn't care. Luckily for us at the midwife change over they could see how we had set up the room and how I was progressing well and how it might be counter productive to move so without us really knowing one of my midwives kept holding out for us so in the end we didn't have to leave the room we had and I was never examined again to know how far a long I was in terms of cm which was great. We were pretty much left to labour alone unless we needed them and occasionally having a midwife come in and check baby's heart rate without me realising and all communication going through Matt (three things that were also on my birth preferences) this really helped to not disturb me and keep focus. Because I didn't have the pool, Matt ran me a bath and we were given portable gas and air so I could still puff away to my hearts content whilst having Matt swish water over me. I distinctly remember gas and air machine was making the wackiest noises that made it sound a bit like a saxophone and was making us both giggle, I also had my eye mask on so I couldn't see anything and the bright lights didn't put me off. I remember at one point being sat on the toilet, not being able to see anything but hearing people coming in and out to help with the bath and there I was just sat trying to go to the toilet, dignity completely goes out the window whilst labouring.
I can't really remember if the bath helped at all but once I got out I started to projectile vomit again but Matt had cat like reflexes to catch it in a bowl - he had become quite the pro. I think it was a bit from experiencing particularly intense contractions and the g & a making me woozy. It was shortly after this that I spoke to Matt and said I needed some pain management to help me get some rest because I was completely shattered from being awake and in agony for so long. He spoke to the midwives and they suggested some pethidine and that it would be good to administer it soon. I really wanted to be able to do the whole thing as naturally as I could but this was 100% the right thing for me to do. The pethidine basically knocked me out for 2 hours and I can't remember this whole period of time it allowed me to get a little bit of shut eye and some painless rest even though I was still contracting and progressing. Matt said this was one of the hardest parts for him as he could tell I was out of it but I still looked in pain and he couldn't do anything or speak to me. Apparently I was still chugging down on the gas and air during (even though I definitely didn't need it when I was as high as a kite) and he was too scared to take it away because of my vice like grip on it. I was so thankful for packing my lip balm as it really dries your mouth and lips up!
After the pethidine had worn off everything started to ramp up and Matt had noticed some changes so he called for the midwives who came in and had a quick look and remarked 'this is good, things are happening' and then left us to it again. When the time came and I was fully dilated and our baby was almost ready to come - I was still on my back and knew I wouldn't be able to birth her like this as I needed gravity to help me, but I was in extreme pain every move I made triggered it but eventually everyone helped me into a position on my front holding on to the back of the bed and this really didn't feel right for me either (I was sure this would be how I would give birth too!) I remember the whole time of the up stage before this thinking to myself 'I can't wait for the pushing stage, surely its going to be a cinch after this!' I'm glad I thought that to help me through, I found the pushing stage just as hard although it was though the shortest bit at a couple of hours long. I can't really remember a sensation of feeling her coming down the birth canal like some people say they feel a bobbing sensation of up and down but I just felt a real pressure sensation.
We could identify that I had hit the transition stage when I was saying things like 'I can't do this' (like I had a choice!) 'it's hard' (duh!) and 'i'm dying!' (dramatic, but I really did feel like that) I also was asking if it was too late to have more medication - I was doing it completely naturally now and had thrown away the gas and air because it was annoying me too much.The midwives got me up to lean against Matt but my legs were in too much pain and heavy feeling for that to work. I ended up on the floor with a bean bag against my back so that I was propped upright and leaning with Matt sat behind me rubbing my shoulders and talking to me. I had to be given antibiotics injected into my hand at midnight as it had been 24 hours since my waters breaking. Matt had taken a look and the midwives also told me that her head was right there. I didn't really believe them but I felt down and touched her hair which spurred me on. They got Matt's phone to show me as well and this was really surreal and out of body feeling - its funny as Matt thought he would be squeamish as well and I didn't think it would be something I would want to see happening to my own body either but that's all just forgotten in the moment. I had to be helped and coached to push but my midwives did it in such an empowering and supportive way which I just appreciated so much and really needed to help get her out as in the moment I felt like I had just completely forgotten what I needed to do and I was holding my breath to much and just generally doubting myself and feeling like I couldn't do it. I also felt like contractions had really slowed down and I wasn't able to feel them in the same way. Because of how long it was taking and to prevent me tearing too much I was given an episiotomy and then shortly after this I got in a groove and a second wind, with a few more panting pushes I gave birth to Willow at 3.15am 10/10/20.
I still felt like I was tearing though whilst experiencing the famous ring of fire but mostly all north of my perineum... you honestly don't care in the moment as you're just so focused on getting your baby out and know you are so close to it happening. She came out making funny little noises but no crying until much later in the day. I always thought I'd cry when I saw and held her but I think I was too shell shocked and just so relieved. I will never forget the moment of seeing her for the first time though and seeing Matt's (who did the fair share of crying for the both of us) reaction to his daughter. Matt cut the cord as I watched. Those precious few minutes of holding her in my arms after all that hard work, being in agony but also feeling on top of the world was incredible (you really do feel like super woman) knowing we had made this perfect little girl. I birthed my placenta not too long after and I thought after giving birth I wouldn't even notice but it still felt really icky and bizarre! I really wanted to see it though and was pretty fascinated by it, that had kept our baby alive! Matt got to have his precious skin to skin with he whilst I was stitched up (ouch... kind of wish I had took up the gas and air again at this point) and I was told how internally bruised I was so I was really struggling to keep my legs apart at this point. I knew there would be blood, but I was still shocked by just how much. Whilst we were left and transferred to a larger family room, it all felt very surreal. time was already going so quickly in a blink of an eye she had already been earth side for 2 hours. After not eating for so long I started chowing down on jelly beans and when we finally got the famous NHS tea and toast it tasted like the best thing I had ever eaten.
We were lucky that we got five golden hours post birth, Matt stayed until 8am then I stayed with Willow until about 5pm then we were lucky enough to be able to go home. I probably managed a total of 20 minutes of sleep whilst Matt was still with us but after that it was pretty impossible to get any sleep as people were in and out every half hour or so to check on Willow (due to me having to have antibiotics) and helping me trying to get her to feed and changed, plus the adrenaline rush and wanting to look at my precious little girl was completely overriding the exhaustion.
The whole time during labour I was using my hypnobirthing techniques and Matt was continually reminding me and cheering me on. I was thinking over and saying the affirmations whether in my head or out loud 'Each surge brings me closer to my baby' 'Surges cannot be stronger then me as they are me' and 'My baby is the perfect size for my body' were some of my favourites. I was determined to stay calm (even if I didn't feel it but Matt and the Midwives after said we seemed very chilled) as I knew adrenaline would hinder me. I'm pretty sure I kept my eyes closed for most of the time as well. Even if a lot of the things I thought I would want didn't really happen like staying mobile, remaining upwards and forward, not wanting to be coached to push... everything that panned out was right for us and what was needed at the time to make it a very positive experience for us. I still can't quite believe I did it and it is something that will always make me very proud, I find it crazy how a body can go through so much trauma and pain yet come out on the other side with the most amazing gift.
